"all these dreams of freedom only seem to work when you’re staring straight at me."

things I get really obsessive-compulsive about.

• my room. DEFINITELY TOP. really really retarded about vacuuming. everyday. sometimes twice a day. everything has to be in its place etc. etc.
• bathroom. all my clinique stuff is on the left side of the sink arranged in size and all miscellaneous on the right in this order; hand soap, eye makeup remover, contact lense solution, face makeup remover, facial scrub.
• any colored little pieces of candy. eg. m&ms. I have to seperate them into their individual colors and then eat them in the order from most color - least color. like if there’s six blues and five reds and three yellows then I eat one blue so there’s five blues and five reds and then I alternate between blue and red until I have three of each and then I alternate between blue and red and yellow.
• my ipod. YOU MUST GO BACK TO THE TOP OF EVERY MENU BEFORE YOU GO BACK. ALSO I CANNOT SKIP SONGS. EVER.
• homework. when I bring it home, it must be in the block order. eg. block one homework on the top, etc. also, I must do them in the order of the block order the next day. eg. if I have english first thing the next day, then I do the english homework first.
• my computer. ALL THE ICONS MUST BE OPENED IN EXACTLY THIS ORDER; msn, itunes, opera, d: drive, word, notepad, and then anything else. IF I ACCIDENTALLY CLOSE AN ICON. eg. d: drive, THEN I MUST CLOSE EVERYTHING AFTER IT, THEN OPEN SAID CLOSED ICON AND THEN OPEN EVERYTHING AFTER IT AGAIN. ASJD;FKLASDN. ALSO. THEY MUST ALL BE CLOSED IN THE OPPOSITE ORDER. eg. msn is closed last.
• quarters. I can’t have quarters in my wallet that don’t add up to a whole dollar or a whole dollar and fifty cents. eg. I can’t have any odd number of quarters.
• tumblr. I CANNOT HAVE TWO TEXT POSTS/TWO PHOTO POSTS/TWO OF ANY OF THE SAME POSTS IN A ROW. sometimes I do but I HATE it. it’s only when I have ABSOLUTELY no photos to post or if I have a SUPER URGENT text post that must be posted. etc.
• notes/everything school. all the notes I take must have this heading; name. -next line- date. -next line- I.subject of said notes. -next line- A.heading of said notes.
• numbers. I CANNOT HAVE NUMBERS IN THE MIDDLE OF SENTENCES. I HATE THAT. UNLESS IT’S DECIMALS. BECAUSE IF YOU WRITE DOWN THREE POINT ONE FOUR IT LOOKS RETARDED. BUT EVEN THAT’S IFFY.
• math. ALL MATH MUST BE DONE IN PENCIL.
• the seats in my room. I must sit in all seats at least once a day otherwise they will feel neglected.
• my music. I have to type out all the lyrics in paragraph form for all my songs by ear. only when I cannot decipher the lyrics will I google them. most of the time when I can’t decipher them I make them up and it’s better.

does anyone even care about this?

the nights when we weren't happening.

“you always had this kind of choked-up feeling about you, do you know what I mean? like there was something you always wanted to say but you never said, would never say. I hate to use any definitive words, like never, and always, and anything that just holds more promise than anyone could ever have inside of them. anyway, this choked-up feeling, this kind of… hard-to-swallow, bitter-pill, choking-on-ice kind of feeling was just a part of you. I don’t even know if you realize it or not. so I’d just be down the block, and you’d come walking down to meet me. and I’d ask you a question simple and clear as glass. how are you, I’d say. or what do you want to do today. a pathetic little thing, small talk is. I should’ve known better than to get into it with you. but I did, and it would drive you into some obscure state of confusion, some hazy fogginess you couldn’t push inside or give away. those were the times I just wanted to shake you and yell at you and tell you to just fix yourself. those were the times I wanted to leave. you’re the most difficult, the most stubborn and spaced-out person I’ve ever known. and I guess if that’s what I’m going to have to accept to have you, then okay. okay.”

I'm shelly shan. I absolutely hate your outfit and your taste in music.

I am shelly shaaaaaaaan.

I promise to always tell you when you're being stupid.

darling, you’re being stupid.